Self-esteem is how we perceive our abilities and worth. Having too low self-esteem or having too high esteem, happens when our perceptions about our abilities and worth are inaccurate.

Inaccuracies about our abilities and worth can often be attributed to the way we were conditioned to believe. Babies are not born with a sense of self-esteem, it is something that develops over time. External messages from caregivers often help shape self-esteem. When we are given the message repeatedly that we are not worthy or able, we begin to believe it. And if we are repeatedly given the message that we are more able than we really are, we begin to believe it.

Self-esteem is formed by emotional conditioning. Most folks have heard of Pavlov’s dogs, the physiologist who conditioned dogs to salivate when a bell is rung. The stimulus (sound of the bell) causes a response (salivating). 

Emotional conditioning happens to people similarly. For example, when you seek a need from a caregiver (the situation is the stimulus) and you are ignored, over time, you are conditioned to believe (belief is the response) that you are not wanted or worthy. As an adult, when you are in a close relationship, such as in a close friendship or a romantic relationship (the situation re-creates the stimulus), and can bring up feelings (the response) of being unwanted or unworthy. 

This pattern of relating fits in with attachment theory, that the way we relate with our caregivers serve as the blueprint in how we relate to others in intimate relationships as adults.

Self-esteem becomes a core belief system. Or on an emotional level, an automatic conditioned response.

This is why despite having good insight into their past, many people seem to remain stuck in repeating the same patterns, such as choosing inappropriate partners. Or having imposter syndrome that keeps spoiling the present moment.

Positive affirmations don’t raise self-esteem

Raising self-esteem through positive affirmations doesn’t work. Just because you say it doesn’t mean you actually believe it. It doesn’t feel right, it feels like you are lying to yourself. Positive affirmations are only helpful for folks who already have healthy self-esteem, because the words spoken align with their core beliefs. When I say healthy self-esteem, I mean an accurate and appropriate evaluation of one’s abilities and worth. 

How I can help

Undoing emotional conditioning takes work and it CAN be done. I can help you develop a more fair and balanced look at your own abilities and worth. This work begins with examining what your needs are, and together, identifying what steps you need to take to meet those needs. We will work on self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is not approval. It does not mean approving yourself of wrongdoing in the past, or that you can do no wrong, and all mistakes are alright. 

Self-acceptance means having an accurate and appropriate evaluation of one’s own abilities and worth, acknowledging shortcomings, and acknowledging realistically where improvements can be made. Self-acceptance is finding beauty and endearment in our flaws and humanity. 

A crucial piece of our work is emotional de-conditioning. We have to re-learn, or re-wire patterns in the brain to bring about change. This learning requires a calm mind. 

How will you know when you have healthy self-esteem?

In short, you will no longer be bogged down. You wouldn’t ruminate so much or overthink things. That inner heckler wouldn’t be there ruining your show. You will live life confidently and grab opportunities as they come along.

It’s like, “how will you know when you don’t have a headache?” Well, you simply go about your day and the headache simply wouldn’t be there. You wouldn’t even think about it. Perhaps you might reflect back and recall you used to have that nasty headache, and now it’s simply not a thing anymore.